I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
~
Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
~
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
~
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
~
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
~
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
~
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
~
A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
~
When the smog lifts in Los Angles, U. C. L. A.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
~
A bicycle can't stand-alone; it is two tired.
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A will is a dead giveaway.
~
Time flies like an arrow . . . fruit flies like a banana.
~
A backward poet writes inverse.
~
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
~
A chicken crossing the road = poultry in motion.
~
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
~
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I¢ll show you A-flat miner.
~
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
~
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.
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You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.
~
A calendar's days are numbered.
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A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and ¡taint mine.
~
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
~
He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
~
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
~
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
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Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
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Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Marathon runners with bad shoes, suffer the agony of de feet.

Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.  The
usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.  My wife has
been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their
names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep.  Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.  I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night
she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get
a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was
open.  It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.  Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?
 
Signed,
Need Help