March 1 issue - Amber Settle, a 35-year-old associate
professor of computer science at DePaul University in Chicago, is eight months
pregnant and unmarried. Not so long ago, that would have been downright
scandalous. But Settle and Andre Berthiaume, 35, also an associate professor at
DePaul, feel no pressure to make their eight-year relationship official, despite
the imminent arrival of their baby. Instead, they've drawn up powers of attorney
and custody, and child-support agreements in case of a breakup. They also plan
to update their wills. A marriage license? Not any time soon. More important
than that "piece of paper," says Settle, "is that we make sure our relationship
is strong ... We will be Mom and Dad in every way that's important."
While critics contend that same-sex weddings will destroy
the "sanctity" of traditional unions, researchers say that it's actually
heterosexual couples like Settle and Berthiaume who are redefining marriage—not
only in this country but throughout the Western world. Over the past few
decades, they've made walking down the aisle just another lifestyle choice. The
old model—marriage and then kids—has given way to a dizzying array of family
arrangements that reflect more lenient attitudes about cohabitation, divorce and
children born out of wedlock. In fact, says University of Chicago sociologist
Linda Waite, author of "The Case for Marriage," gay couples are "really swimming
against the tide. What they want is something that maybe heterosexual couples
take for granted: the social, religious and legal recognition of a union—to be
able to say to the clerk at the grocery store, 'My husband is right behind me.
He has the money'."
This increasingly diverse family album could be a reason
why gay marriage has struck a nerve. The institution of marriage is so battered
that many consider gay unions the last straw, says Princeton historian Hendrik
Hartog, author of "Man and Wife in America." "They see gay marriage as a
boundary case"; in other words, a line too far. But if the past is a guide, that
line is going to keep moving no matter who objects.
Scholars say the evolution of marriage is nothing new;
it's an institution in constant flux, always responding to the particular needs
of each era. "Throughout much of history, if you acted like you were married,
then you were treated like you were married," says Stephanie Coontz of Evergreen
State University, a historian of marriage. Religion, a major part of the current
defense of traditional marriage in this country, didn't even enter the picture,
Coontz says, until the ninth century, and then only to prevent European
aristocrats from marrying close relatives. The goal was not to stop incest but
to make sure noble families didn't consolidate too much power. (Commoners could
still hook up with anyone they fancied.)
Even a century ago, a time that many people might look
upon with nostalgia, marriage was hardly the stuff of hearts and flowers. In
this country, women were essentially the property of their husbands, with few
rights. If an American woman married a foreigner, she automatically lost her
citizenship; a man who did the same kept his. Until the 1970s, there was no
concept of marital rape because husbands "owned" their wives' sexuality.
Interracial marriages and birth control were illegal in many states until the
late 1960s.
To see what the future holds, Americans could look to
Europe, where marriage rates are plummeting and illegitimate births are the
norm—prompting widespread concern about how to promote family stability,
especially for children. "We've moved from de jure to de facto marriage," says
Kathleen Kiernan of the London School of Economics. She estimates that 50
percent of 25- to 34-year-olds in Europe are cohabiting. The numbers are
highest, perhaps 70 percent, in Scandinavia, especially Sweden. The Swedes have
even created their own term for someone who cohabits: "sambo," a word that
appears on official forms besides the options "married" and "single." Another
new word, "sarbo," refers to people who consider themselves a couple but live
apart.
Europeans lead the way on gay marriage as well. The
Netherlands became the first country to legalize same-sex marriages, in 2001;
Belgium followed a year ago. Many countries, including Norway, Sweden, Denmark
and its province Greenland, have registered partnership laws for heterosexual
couples that extend some benefits to gays. Germany has quietly expanded rights
for cohabiting couples, while in 1998, France approved the Pacte Civil de
Solidarite—a kind of intermediate step between casual cohabitation and formal
marriage that provides tax and health benefits.
In this country, marriage still remains the ideal for
most people, although a lifetime with one person is increasingly elusive.
Marriage is a symbol, says sociologist Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins
University, "that you have created a good personal life." It's also good for a
family's wealth and emotional health. Married couples have more assets, says
Evelyn Lehrer, a professor of economics at the University of Illinois at
Chicago. It's also a hedge. "There's a pooling of risks," Lehrer says. "If one
spouse becomes unemployed, the other can respond and increase the level of
work." Married couples also live longer and are better adjusted. Having someone
around to watch out for you helps, Lehrer says. There's also considerable
research showing that children reared in stable, two-parent families thrive;
having kids is still a big reason many people ultimately head down the
aisle.
Although there are no national statistics on how many
people marry in religious ceremonies today, most experts believe that the number
is steadily declining, as fewer Americans describe themselves as affiliated with
a religion. But religion can keep couples together. Studies show that people who
marry within a religious community are somewhat more likely to stay married than
people with no affiliation. Marrying someone of the same or similar religion
also improves the odds of staying together, says Lehrer, even if one partner
converts. Drawing on research on Roman Catholics and Protestants, she says,
"couples [from] the same religion through conversion are at least as stable as
when they're raised in the same faith."
While popular shows like "The Bachelor" make a fetish of
courtship rituals, most people say what they're really looking for is a partner
who can share life's burdens. Educated women used to be the least likely to get
married; now they're the most likely because of their earning power. "Marriage
today is less of an ego trip and more of an economic bargain for men," says
Cherlin. Women with low levels of education are the least likely to find a
spouse—a troubling situation since they are also most in need of the financial
support that a husband could provide. A big problem is that the men most
available to them as partners tend to be of the same educational level and
therefore have limited earning potential, which also makes them less desirable
husband material.
Even for people from nontraditional backgrounds, the
romantic ideal of marriage endures. Hillary Gross, 24, grew up with four
unmarried parents. Her biological parents divorced when she was a year old and
quickly entered into new relationships that have endured for decades. Still, she
longs to marry. "I'd really like to have one person that I give my all to," she
says. She was recently in a long-term relationship that she thought might end in
a wedding. It didn't, and she's readjusting her dream. Same plot, with a new
leading man—and maybe even a happy ending
Karl
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